Letting Go

I was sitting here thinking and felt the need to log my thoughts right now.
It just feels weird.
It feels like I would never get here.
It feels like I’ve been stuck in a trap in this lifetime.
I’ve been working so hard for the past 2 years and I don’t think, I’ve processed how much I’ve changed.
And I don’t think I’ve let go of the old me.
I think I’ve been holding onto her.
The angry, self destructive one as a backup, without realising.
It’s almost been my defence.
Without that, I guess I am more vulnerable?
But in a way that makes me more powerful.
I’m not sure why I’ve been so resistant, I think I’ve just always directed the hurt towards myself, so the resistance to let go has always been there.
It’s hard to let go of that, and step into the unfamiliar of self love.
I’ve been finding it hard to let go of that identity.
My identity was just depression and everything that came with that.
For me to step out of that and be in my light has been really challenging.
It in a way feels sad and like my safety net has gone.
However I do genuinely feel in my power.
I feel worthy of success and a good life.
I feel worthy of happiness and health.
Before I didn’t want to be here.
But I have fought hard to break habits and trauma response patterns, and I finally feel ready to come back into the world.
I think it’s the silence that’s hard.
In my brain I mean.
I’m not used to the quiet in my brain that this life brings.
Holding onto my past self is making my brain tense I realise, and almost in fight or flight, ready to go.
It’s like I’ve had screaming in my head for years, constant noise.
Some days it’s still there, and others I feel lost by it not being there.
I become manic to fill that void. I move quick.
I’m not present.
My mission is to now become ok with the calm and the quiet.
In fact, I invite that into my life ten fold.
My brain will catch up, I will keep wiring it for happiness and success.
For a long time that seemed an impossibility.
I just felt the need to share this today.
Maybe someone else is going through this too.
Thanks for sharing this space.
Let’s Go.